Comminicate or regret...

Communication is something I have stressed many times on this blog. It's vital to the success of any relationship. Whether it‘s with your lover, friends, family or children. Its importance is greater than you realize. Think you're not a talker? There is no such thing as a non talker, unless you're mute. Even being mute is not an excuse to not communicate. It's more than just using words, it's a two sided process in which feelings, ideas and thoughts are exchanged in a verbal or non verbal way. Words are not the only way to communicate. We do this every day thru emails, text, blogs, telephones, body language, gestures and so on and so forth. A baby has no problem communicating its needs. If a baby is hunger, you know, if it's wet, you know and if it's in pain, it is going to make sure that you know. So what's your reason for not getting you needs met? Communication is the backbone of any relationship and without your relationships will not be successful.

A relationship without support will not survive

Pic for http://www.painetworks.com/



One very important and key component of a relationship is support. It is so important, because a relationship that as mutual support will overcome almost anything. Support is required in many ways in a relationship. It comes in the form of sympathizing, when your mate is having a bad day. It is need when your partner makes decisions, that affects both you and the family. It is even more important in life changing events and individual pursuits. It's the wellingness of both persons to encourage each other and be there for each other, through good and though times. You're telling your partner they are not alone, I have your back.

Everyone needs support to be the best that they can be. Without it, one will start to question their abilites. It is needed even more so in a relationship, since the input of both person is needed. We don't always share the same interest, but by showing support you are telling your partner you believe in them. The amount of support that is present in a relationship, or the lack therrof, will eventually have a huge impact on the success of that relationship.

When was the last time you and your mate, spend time together exploring each other’s interests? Not just being in the same space because you have to… but spending time to learn something your partner is interest in? I challenge you to spend a weekend, taking part in at least one thing your mate likes to do. It doesn’t have to be something big, or expensive. It could be playing games, your partner like playing. Watching movies together. Listen to music you partner likes, or even working out together. The important thing is you're sharing in each other’s interest and learning more about each other. Don’t choose something that you know you would rather do along, and if you can’t find anything that you would like to share…. you aren’t ready to be in a relationship… seriously. It’s always a good thing to be somewhat open minded in a relationship. You will be surprise at the things you'll learn to like(or tolerate) and even discover new things together, you both can enjoy.

There is no room for selfishness in a relationship. The name alone speaks for itself. To be in a relationship, means to relate. What is the point of "being" with someone, if you don't like "being" together. The more you relate to your partner, the more you will want to be around each other and spend time together. To be frank, this is somthing you should have already had down pack, from the beginning of your relationship. You should already know how to share time with each other. But if by chance you guys deside to put the horse before the carrage, it's not too late. If you're in a relationship, then you have aready desided there are things about this person you do like/ love. If so, doing things that will help pull you closer together, should be a no brainer.

Show a little appreciation

Comic from thecoupleconnection.net

We often get so caught up in the day to day rat race... we sometimes forget to show the ones we love appreciation. If you're guilt... now is the time to start showing some appreciation. It's important in building confidence in your relationship and is one of the ways to show love. It's reinforcement that they aren't in the relationship alone and when someone feels appreciated, they'll have no problem going the extra mile... . Even if they seem not to care, trust me. Everyone wants to be appreciated. It doesn't have to take much. It's as simple as saying thank you, and I don't mean a dry thank you... I mean really making the effort to look at the person and even throwing in a touch or a kiss, and saying... thank you, I really appreciate you....

Below are few tips from http://www.improvingyourworld.com/

The following are reasons you should show appreciation and how to do so:

Show you appreciation by verbally expressing it. When your partner, friend, or whomever does something kind, nice, or thoughtful, be sure to express appreciation. Say, "Thanks so much." Or, "That sure meant a lot to me." Or, "Thank you." Or, "I really appreciated that." Verbal expression is one of the best forms of appreciation because it does not have to be discovered, or figured out, it is straight forward, and it is clear. You are telling someone you appreciate them, and in doing so you are showing them that you actually do value them and that they make a difference in your life. This makes your relationship grow stronger.

Show you appreciation. Things like a smile after a gift, or a dinner, savoring a spoonful of delicious food someone prepared for you, etc. makes that person feel good. You can show your appreciation without words, and it is important to do so. Because these little expressions of appreciation show that you do appreciate their efforts, that you do not just expect them or assume they will do it, but that you know they are going out of their way for you and doing something because they love you.

A great way to show your appreciation is to do something kind in return. If someone brings you a plate of food, return the plate with cookies on it. You do not even have to say thanks, you can just return the plate and the gratitude will be known. This shows your gratitude for what they did for you along with a kind gesture back. This is a great way to not just strengthen but build good relationship.

Relationships with appreciation shown regularly last longer, are stronger, and more enjoyable to be apart of then ones where appreciation is assumed, or where it is neglected to be expressed. When appreciation is neglected to be expressed, people start to assume that deeds are expected and the joy of serving others is lost. So, show your appreciation and ask that your partner, friend, etc. show appreciation in return.

If you learn to show and accept appreciation appropriately you will find an improvement in your relationship and a natural tendency to love each other more, be more intimate, and have a better relationship all together.

Can I just say... You are beautiful

I faintly hear the alarm… it buzzed almost angrily. I came to... and realized, it was morning and time to start a new day. I could barely make out the entrance, as I stumble into the bathroom. At the entrance of the door, the mirror confronts me, as it have every morning for the last two or so years. Again...I greeted it with the hope of seeing some improvement, more so in the past four months than before. An improvement I needed to feel better, to feel… “Normal”. I've had this need... so many times in my short life. I needed it...so I don't have to explain my moodiness. Maybe...just maybe, there will be no more relapse. Today though, it was different. The person I saw in the mirror...was different. I saw the flaws… they were there...the dark spots, the chubby face, and...., but they weren’t there, they weren’t…important. I was some what stunned, because the person I saw, looking me straight in the eyes, almost looking beyond me and into my soul… was beautiful.

If you have ups and downs in your personal life, so will your relationship. The more you can keep your personal battles in check... the less you will have on your mind and the more prepared you will be, to handle the issues in your relationship .

Be ready for change

Like I’ve said before, I’m no relationship expert. However, I do know what works for not only mine, but countless other successful relationship. I wish I could tell you that my suggestions are 100% fail proof, but that would be a lie. The reality is nothing is fail proof. Except for conception (I think) and that's in the hands of the creator, not ours. So it’s important to have the right formula, to achieve the right results. First, make sure you are really ready for this. Make sure (but not egocentric) that you are the best catch that you can be. Next, you AND your partner needs to be on the same page. By that I mean, both of you wants this to work and you are both will and able to make the necessary changes. It is also important to stick to these AGREED changes. No one is perfect, so there has to be some room for relapse. If it can be accomplished without relapse, the better. The next step is to communicate, communicate and communicate. And final, just do it. Forget about the past (do not focus on it) and just do it. Nothing is going to change, if you’ve done nothing to change it.

What is your body saying?

So I was thinking about communication, (Again, since it’s so important to a successful relationship) and I thought I would talk about body language. I have touched on this here and there in the past, but I wanted to break it down a little more for you, so here goes:

Body language is the non-verbal movements we make as a part of how we communicate, and all body movement is body language. It is said that when we communicated we use 7% words, 38% tone and 55% body language.( Imagine that) Non-verbal communication includes tone of voice, eye movement, posture, hand gestures, facial expressions and more. Since less than 10% of communicating is words. It’s important to be just as aware of these other functions, when building great communication.

Listening and paying attention to someone when they’re speaking, is a key aspect of good communication. This lets the person know that you are interested in what they are saying. There are a few ways to show that you are listening. Ignore distractions, sitting still, slowly nodding your head and do not sit with your hands cross over your chest. (Defensive position) This shows that you're not open to what they are saying. Just try to be as relaxed as possible, and it never hurt to take notes if possible.

Be patience when listening to what the person is saying. When you want to hear more of what someone is saying, you are patient. Listen until they have finished speaking and do not interrupt. Even when you have something to say, give them time to complete what they have to say. If you butt in, it will look as if your intent was never to hear what they have to say in the first place, but only to make your point.

It’s difficult to control body language in emotional situations, so its best if you wait a while, at least until you have cleared your thoughts and have your emotions in check. If the other person what to talk about the problem, but you have decide you are not ready. It's important to be considerate to the other persons feelings as well. Always find a suitable way to make that person understand your disposition at that moment in time, without adding fuel to the fire. (Showing negative body language)

He heals me

This is one of my favorite songs. To me this song wraps up how you should feel, when you're in a great relationship. I notice that most people’s comment on this song is, they would love to feel this way about someone someday. You don't just find someone like this. This love doesn't happen overnight. The song is India's artistic expression of the love she shares. What you're not hearing in the song, is the process it took to get to this place. It takes team work and communication. Great communication eventually leads to trust. When you have trust and communication, everything else is fairly easy. It's only a lot of work if both persons aren't on the same page. India Arie is a truly gifted singer and a remarkable song writer.

You reap what you sew

Are you sewing good seeds in your relationships? Not just the one with your lover, but the ones with your children, friends and family. The growing process can be a long one and we can get discouraged along the way. But let’s not forget to nourish our seeds, so they can bear good fruits. This blog is a seed that I have planted, and yes I do get discouraged many times. I greatly appreciate those who have taken the time to read what I have to share. I'm even more grateful to be able to help anyone in anyway, but sometime I still get discouraged because I sometimes feel I'm not making a big enough difference. I know that even though my fruit isn't ready to be reaped, it's in the growing and nourishing phase. If I keep doing what I'm doing, I will eventually reap the good that I have sewed. Check out these tips from www.ezinearticles.com.

We practice what we've learned, even if it means damaging our relationship or marriage. And crazy as it sounds, we pass that same dysfunctional communication onto our children, who then, guess what, pass it onto theirs. Our parents did the best they could with what they knew. So did we. But if it's not working, why not let the buck stop with you? Here's how to stop destructive fighting:

1. Become a giving personality

• "Can I get you a glass of soda while I'm up?"

• "Can I help you wash the car?"

• "Let's go out to dinner tonight so you don't have to cook."

2. Lead the way in finding $ solutions.

• Pay the bills together.

• Together make and stick to a monthly budget.

• Decide jointly how to spend extra money that month.

3. Say something loving every day.

• "Thank you for helping me with the kids."

• "Thank you for working hard every day."

• "You get more handsome/beautiful every day."

4. Have fun at home.

• Home should be the place you come to unwind, not fight.

• Home is where you get to try out your latest joke to a loving audience.

• Housework can wait. First welcome home each member of the family at the end of the day.

5. Don't fight in front of the kids.

• It damages their personalities.

• They become afraid you do not love them and will next turn your anger toward them.

• They will continue this dysfunction with their own children.

6. Calm down. It's bad for your health

• It raises your blood pressure.

• It prevents you from being heard & understood.

• Winning is not the final victory in your relationship or marriage.

7. Take turns being heard.

• Learn to really hear what your lover is saying.

• Stop formulating your response. Just sit and listen.

• After your partner is finished speaking, repeat back in your own words what you think you just heard.

8. Let go of blame and instead aim for solutions.

• Blame is never going to resolve the problem. It's emotionally abusive.

• If you're not aiming for a solution, you'll never move past the problem.

• Agree on a solution, forgive and start the new moment free of anger.

9. No fair yelling or interrupting.

• Even if that's what you grew up with, stop it. It's rude.

• Yelling and interrupting is verbally abusive.

• Yelling and interrupting closes down the line of communication and the ability to find a solution.

10. Don't bring your relationship problems to work.

• One, it will jeopardize your job.

• Two, talking over your personal problems with someone of the opposite sex is emotionally abusive to your partner and opens the door for a sympathetic affair.

• Three, it's healthier to talk things over within the relationship, with your best friend or with a trusted advisor.

11. Don't have "friends" of the opposite sex that you won't introduce to your mate.

• Oh please, are you really doubting this? Wake up.

• It's far healthier for both of you to choose other happy couples as your friends.

• If you have any doubts about the friendship and feel someone may be overstepping appropriate behavior within the friendship, find better friends.

12. Find something spiritual you can do together.

• Find a God, Higher Power or Spiritual Helper that you can both believe in. Maybe it's walking in nature, maybe it's a church, maybe it's prayer or meditation.

• Relying on your own dysfunction to make good decisions for your relationship is spiritually abusive. Have faith in something besides your dysfunction.

• Pray for each other. Give thanks for each other. Learn the lessons each of you provide one another. Obstacles are not punishment. They are in front of you to learn something that will pull you both out of the dysfunction and into a happy, loving relationship.

It is possible to disagree within your loving relationship or to have different opinions, but your goal is to love someone enough to allow them their non harmful beliefs and continue to love them. If it feels harmful to you, then it's time to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk and work out a solution. Everyone, no matter how harmful their history, has the ability to turn that dysfunction around and build the loving, supportive relationship of their dreams.

You are forbidden to talk about your EX

There is always going to be a lot of talks and options, about being friends with “The Ex”. It seems no one likes to hear about an ex. In my option, the simple reason for these restrictions is insecurity and selfishness. No doubt your ex will probably try to get back with you, and if they cross the line, you know exactly what needs to be done. We all have to face this challenge almost every day. I'm sure there is at least one person that has tried to get with you, since you have been in your current relationship. Bottom line is if you are a desirable person, someone is going to try to get in your pants.

Will not talking to you ex make you relationship less stressful? The answer is more than likely yes. But, it’s obvious there is a bigger issue than just your ex. If it’s not your ex, it’s going to be other persons of the opposite sex. I’m just saying… Deep down you know this is the truth. You can’t stop anyone from doing what they want to do, only they can make that decision. You can’t change people, you can only change yourself. Where there is will there is a way. Get it? Or do you need a few more.

The point is, you need to work on the INSECURITY issues, because they will always be tied to TRUST issues. Here are a list of thing not to say about the ex. Even if your other half doesn't care about "The EX." It's still good to avoid these things, even if it's just to be considerate.

Things Not to Say about Your Ex Girlfriend/Wife

1. She was good/bad at sex (don't bring it up period)

2. She is Super hot

3. My parents loved her.

4. She was really smart and ambitious

5. She was a better cook

Things Not to Say about Your Ex Boyfriend/Husband

1. He was good/bad at sex (don’t bring it up period)
2. He brought me here once
3. He was funny
4. My last boyfriend/Husband was a little bigger
5. He had lots of money