Friday, September 25, 2009

What is your body saying?

So I was thinking about communication, (Again, since it’s so important to a successful relationship) and I thought I would talk about body language. I have touched on this here and there in the past, but I wanted to break it down a little more for you, so here goes:

Body language is the non-verbal movements we make as a part of how we communicate, and all body movement is body language. It is said that when we communicated we use 7% words, 38% tone and 55% body language.( Imagine that) Non-verbal communication includes tone of voice, eye movement, posture, hand gestures, facial expressions and more. Since less than 10% of communicating is words. It’s important to be just as aware of these other functions, when building great communication.

Listening and paying attention to someone when they’re speaking, is a key aspect of good communication. This lets the person know that you are interested in what they are saying. There are a few ways to show that you are listening. Ignore distractions, sitting still, slowly nodding your head and do not sit with your hands cross over your chest. (Defensive position) This shows that you're not open to what they are saying. Just try to be as relaxed as possible, and it never hurt to take notes if possible.

Be patience when listening to what the person is saying. When you want to hear more of what someone is saying, you are patient. Listen until they have finished speaking and do not interrupt. Even when you have something to say, give them time to complete what they have to say. If you butt in, it will look as if your intent was never to hear what they have to say in the first place, but only to make your point.

It’s difficult to control body language in emotional situations, so its best if you wait a while, at least until you have cleared your thoughts and have your emotions in check. If the other person what to talk about the problem, but you have decide you are not ready. It's important to be considerate to the other persons feelings as well. Always find a suitable way to make that person understand your disposition at that moment in time, without adding fuel to the fire. (Showing negative body language)

Monday, September 14, 2009

He heals me

This is one of my favorite songs. To me this song wraps up how you should feel, when you're in a great relationship. I notice that most people’s comment on this song is, they would love to feel this way about someone someday. You don't just find someone like this. This love doesn't happen overnight. The song is India's artistic expression of the love she shares. What you're not hearing in the song, is the process it took to get to this place. It takes team work and communication. Great communication eventually leads to trust. When you have trust and communication, everything else is fairly easy. It's only a lot of work if both persons aren't on the same page. India Arie is a truly gifted singer and a remarkable song writer.

Friday, September 11, 2009

You reap what you sew

Are you sewing good seeds in your relationships? Not just the one with your lover, but the ones with your children, friends and family. The growing process can be a long one and we can get discouraged along the way. But let’s not forget to nourish our seeds, so they can bear good fruits. This blog is a seed that I have planted, and yes I do get discouraged many times. I greatly appreciate those who have taken the time to read what I have to share. I'm even more grateful to be able to help anyone in anyway, but sometime I still get discouraged because I sometimes feel I'm not making a big enough difference. I know that even though my fruit isn't ready to be reaped, it's in the growing and nourishing phase. If I keep doing what I'm doing, I will eventually reap the good that I have sewed. Check out these tips from

We practice what we've learned, even if it means damaging our relationship or marriage. And crazy as it sounds, we pass that same dysfunctional communication onto our children, who then, guess what, pass it onto theirs. Our parents did the best they could with what they knew. So did we. But if it's not working, why not let the buck stop with you? Here's how to stop destructive fighting:

1. Become a giving personality
• "Can I get you a glass of soda while I'm up?"
• "Can I help you wash the car?"
• "Let's go out to dinner tonight so you don't have to cook."

2. Lead the way in finding $ solutions.
• Pay the bills together.
• Together make and stick to a monthly budget.
• Decide jointly how to spend extra money that month.

3. Say something loving every day.
• "Thank you for helping me with the kids."
• "Thank you for working hard every day."
• "You get more handsome/beautiful every day."

4. Have fun at home.
• Home should be the place you come to unwind, not fight.
• Home is where you get to try out your latest joke to a loving audience.
• Housework can wait. First welcome home each member of the family at the end of the day.

5. Don't fight in front of the kids.
• It damages their personalities.
• They become afraid you do not love them and will next turn your anger toward them.
• They will continue this dysfunction with their own children.

6. Calm down. It's bad for your health
• It raises your blood pressure.
• It prevents you from being heard & understood.
• Winning is not the final victory in your relationship or marriage.

7. Take turns being heard.
• Learn to really hear what your lover is saying.
• Stop formulating your response. Just sit and listen.
• After your partner is finished speaking, repeat back in your own words what you think you just heard.

8. Let go of blame and instead aim for solutions.
• Blame is never going to resolve the problem. It's emotionally abusive.
• If you're not aiming for a solution, you'll never move past the problem.
• Agree on a solution, forgive and start the new moment free of anger.

9. No fair yelling or interrupting.
• Even if that's what you grew up with, stop it. It's rude.
• Yelling and interrupting is verbally abusive.
• Yelling and interrupting closes down the line of communication and the ability to find a solution.

10. Don't bring your relationship problems to work.
• One, it will jeopardize your job.
• Two, talking over your personal problems with someone of the opposite sex is emotionally abusive to your partner and opens the door for a sympathetic affair.
• Three, it's healthier to talk things over within the relationship, with your best friend or with a trusted advisor.

11. Don't have "friends" of the opposite sex that you won't introduce to your mate.
• Oh please, are you really doubting this? Wake up.
• It's far healthier for both of you to choose other happy couples as your friends.
• If you have any doubts about the friendship and feel someone may be overstepping appropriate behavior within the friendship, find better friends.

12. Find something spiritual you can do together.
• Find a God, Higher Power or Spiritual Helper that you can both believe in. Maybe it's walking in nature, maybe it's a church, maybe it's prayer or meditation.
• Relying on your own dysfunction to make good decisions for your relationship is spiritually abusive. Have faith in something besides your dysfunction.
• Pray for each other. Give thanks for each other. Learn the lessons each of you provide one another. Obstacles are not punishment. They are in front of you to learn something that will pull you both out of the dysfunction and into a happy, loving relationship.

It is possible to disagree within your loving relationship or to have different opinions, but your goal is to love someone enough to allow them their non harmful beliefs and continue to love them. If it feels harmful to you, then it's time to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk and work out a solution. Everyone, no matter how harmful their history, has the ability to turn that dysfunction around and build the loving, supportive relationship of their dreams.

Friday, September 4, 2009

You are forbidden to talk about your EX

There is always going to be a lot of talks and options, about being friends with “The Ex”. It seems no one likes to hear about an ex. In my option, the simple reason for these restrictions is insecurity and selfishness. No doubt your ex will probably try to get back with you, and if they cross the line, you know exactly what needs to be done. We all have to face this challenge almost every day. I'm sure there is at least one person that has tried to get with you, since you have been in your current relationship. Bottom line is if you are a desirable person, someone is going to try to get in your pants.

Will not talking to you ex make you relationship less stressful? The answer is more than likely yes. But, it’s obvious there is a bigger issue than just your ex. If it’s not your ex, it’s going to be other persons of the opposite sex. I’m just saying… Deep down you know this is the truth. You can’t stop anyone from doing what they want to do, only they can make that decision. You can’t change people, you can only change yourself. Where there is will there is a way. Get it? Or do you need a few more.

The point is, you need to work on the INSECURITY issues, because they will always be tied to TRUST issues. Here are a list of thing not to say about the ex. Even if your other half doesn't care about "The EX." It's still good to avoid these things, even if it's just to be considerate.

Things Not to Say about Your Ex Girlfriend/Wife
1. She was good/bad at sex (don't bring it up period)
2. She is Super hot
3. My parents loved her.
4. She was really smart and ambitious
5. She was a better cook

Things Not to Say about Your Ex Boyfriend/Husband
1. He was good/bad at sex (don’t bring it up period)
2. He brought me here once
3. He was funny
4. My last boyfriend/Husband was a little bigger
5. He had lots of money
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