Sunday, November 8, 2009

A relationship without support will not survive

Pic for

One very important and key component of a relationship is support. It is so important, because a relationship that as mutual support will overcome almost anything. Support is required in many ways in a relationship. It comes in the form of sympathizing, when your mate is having a bad day. It is need when your partner makes decisions, that affects both you and the family. It is even more important in life changing events and individual pursuits. It's the wellingness of both persons to encourage each other and be there for each other, through good and though times. You're telling your partner they are not alone, I have your back.

Everyone needs support to be the best that they can be. Without it, one will start to question their abilites. It is needed even more so in a relationship, since the input of both person is needed. We don't always share the same interest, but by showing support you are telling your partner you believe in them. The amount of support that is present in a relationship, or the lack therrof, will eventually have a huge impact on the success of that relationship.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

When was the last time you and your mate, spend time together exploring each other’s interests? Not just being in the same space because you have to… but spending time to learn something your partner is interest in? I challenge you to spend a weekend, taking part in at least one thing your mate likes to do. It doesn’t have to be something big, or expensive. It could be playing games, your partner like playing. Watching movies together. Listen to music you partner likes, or even working out together. The important thing is you're sharing in each other’s interest and learning more about each other. Don’t choose something that you know you would rather do along, and if you can’t find anything that you would like to share…. you aren’t ready to be in a relationship… seriously. It’s always a good thing to be somewhat open minded in a relationship. You will be surprise at the things you'll learn to like(or tolerate) and even discover new things together, you both can enjoy.

There is no room for selfishness in a relationship. The name alone speaks for itself. To be in a relationship, means to relate. What is the point of "being" with someone, if you don't like "being" together. The more you relate to your partner, the more you will want to be around each other and spend time together. To be frank, this is somthing you should have already had down pack, from the beginning of your relationship. You should already know how to share time with each other. But if by chance you guys deside to put the horse before the carrage, it's not too late. If you're in a relationship, then you have aready desided there are things about this person you do like/ love. If so, doing things that will help pull you closer together, should be a no brainer.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Show a little appreciation

Comic from

We often get so caught up in the day to day rat race... we sometimes forget to show the ones we love appreciation. If you're guilt... now is the time to start showing some appreciation. It's important in building confidence in your relationship and is one of the ways to show love. It's reinforcement that they aren't in the relationship alone and when someone feels appreciated, they'll have no problem going the extra mile... . Even if they seem not to care, trust me. Everyone wants to be appreciated. It doesn't have to take much. It's as simple as saying thank you, and I don't mean a dry thank you... I mean really making the effort to look at the person and even throwing in a touch or a kiss, and saying... thank you, I really appreciate you....

Below are few tips from

The following are reasons you should show appreciation and how to do so:
Show you appreciation by verbally expressing it. When your partner, friend, or whomever does something kind, nice, or thoughtful, be sure to express appreciation. Say, "Thanks so much." Or, "That sure meant a lot to me." Or, "Thank you." Or, "I really appreciated that." Verbal expression is one of the best forms of appreciation because it does not have to be discovered, or figured out, it is straight forward, and it is clear. You are telling someone you appreciate them, and in doing so you are showing them that you actually do value them and that they make a difference in your life. This makes your relationship grow stronger.

Show you appreciation. Things like a smile after a gift, or a dinner, savoring a spoonful of delicious food someone prepared for you, etc. makes that person feel good. You can show your appreciation without words, and it is important to do so. Because these little expressions of appreciation show that you do appreciate their efforts, that you do not just expect them or assume they will do it, but that you know they are going out of their way for you and doing something because they love you.

A great way to show your appreciation is to do something kind in return. If someone brings you a plate of food, return the plate with cookies on it. You do not even have to say thanks, you can just return the plate and the gratitude will be known. This shows your gratitude for what they did for you along with a kind gesture back. This is a great way to not just strengthen but build good relationship.

Relationships with appreciation shown regularly last longer, are stronger, and more enjoyable to be apart of then ones where appreciation is assumed, or where it is neglected to be expressed. When appreciation is neglected to be expressed, people start to assume that deeds are expected and the joy of serving others is lost. So, show your appreciation and ask that your partner, friend, etc. show appreciation in return.

If you learn to show and accept appreciation appropriately you will find an improvement in your relationship and a natural tendency to love each other more, be more intimate, and have a better relationship all together.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Can I just say... You are beautiful

I faintly hear the alarm… it buzzed almost angrily. I came to... and realized, it was morning and time to start a new day. I could barely make out the entrance, as I stumble into the bathroom. At the entrance of the door, the mirror confronts me, as it have every morning for the last two or so years. Again...I greeted it with the hope of seeing some improvement, more so in the past four months than before. An improvement I needed to feel better, to feel… “Normal”. I've had this need... so many times in my short life. I needed I don't have to explain my moodiness. Maybe...just maybe, there will be no more relapse. Today though, it was different. The person I saw in the mirror...was different. I saw the flaws… they were there...the dark spots, the chubby face, and...., but they weren’t there, they weren’t…important. I was some what stunned, because the person I saw, looking me straight in the eyes, almost looking beyond me and into my soul… was beautiful.

If you have ups and downs in your personal life, so will your relationship. The more you can keep your personal battles in check... the less you will have on your mind and the more prepared you will be, to handle the issues in your relationship .

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Be ready for change

Like I’ve said before, I’m no relationship expert. However, I do know what works for not only mine, but countless other successful relationship. I wish I could tell you that my suggestions are 100% fail proof, but that would be a lie. The reality is nothing is fail proof. Except for conception (I think) and that's in the hands of the creator, not ours. So it’s important to have the right formula, to achieve the right results. First, make sure you are really ready for this. Make sure (but not egocentric) that you are the best catch that you can be. Next, you AND your partner needs to be on the same page. By that I mean, both of you wants this to work and you are both will and able to make the necessary changes. It is also important to stick to these AGREED changes. No one is perfect, so there has to be some room for relapse. If it can be accomplished without relapse, the better. The next step is to communicate, communicate and communicate. And final, just do it. Forget about the past (do not focus on it) and just do it. Nothing is going to change, if you’ve done nothing to change it.

Friday, September 25, 2009

What is your body saying?

So I was thinking about communication, (Again, since it’s so important to a successful relationship) and I thought I would talk about body language. I have touched on this here and there in the past, but I wanted to break it down a little more for you, so here goes:

Body language is the non-verbal movements we make as a part of how we communicate, and all body movement is body language. It is said that when we communicated we use 7% words, 38% tone and 55% body language.( Imagine that) Non-verbal communication includes tone of voice, eye movement, posture, hand gestures, facial expressions and more. Since less than 10% of communicating is words. It’s important to be just as aware of these other functions, when building great communication.

Listening and paying attention to someone when they’re speaking, is a key aspect of good communication. This lets the person know that you are interested in what they are saying. There are a few ways to show that you are listening. Ignore distractions, sitting still, slowly nodding your head and do not sit with your hands cross over your chest. (Defensive position) This shows that you're not open to what they are saying. Just try to be as relaxed as possible, and it never hurt to take notes if possible.

Be patience when listening to what the person is saying. When you want to hear more of what someone is saying, you are patient. Listen until they have finished speaking and do not interrupt. Even when you have something to say, give them time to complete what they have to say. If you butt in, it will look as if your intent was never to hear what they have to say in the first place, but only to make your point.

It’s difficult to control body language in emotional situations, so its best if you wait a while, at least until you have cleared your thoughts and have your emotions in check. If the other person what to talk about the problem, but you have decide you are not ready. It's important to be considerate to the other persons feelings as well. Always find a suitable way to make that person understand your disposition at that moment in time, without adding fuel to the fire. (Showing negative body language)

Monday, September 14, 2009

He heals me

This is one of my favorite songs. To me this song wraps up how you should feel, when you're in a great relationship. I notice that most people’s comment on this song is, they would love to feel this way about someone someday. You don't just find someone like this. This love doesn't happen overnight. The song is India's artistic expression of the love she shares. What you're not hearing in the song, is the process it took to get to this place. It takes team work and communication. Great communication eventually leads to trust. When you have trust and communication, everything else is fairly easy. It's only a lot of work if both persons aren't on the same page. India Arie is a truly gifted singer and a remarkable song writer.

Friday, September 11, 2009

You reap what you sew

Are you sewing good seeds in your relationships? Not just the one with your lover, but the ones with your children, friends and family. The growing process can be a long one and we can get discouraged along the way. But let’s not forget to nourish our seeds, so they can bear good fruits. This blog is a seed that I have planted, and yes I do get discouraged many times. I greatly appreciate those who have taken the time to read what I have to share. I'm even more grateful to be able to help anyone in anyway, but sometime I still get discouraged because I sometimes feel I'm not making a big enough difference. I know that even though my fruit isn't ready to be reaped, it's in the growing and nourishing phase. If I keep doing what I'm doing, I will eventually reap the good that I have sewed. Check out these tips from

We practice what we've learned, even if it means damaging our relationship or marriage. And crazy as it sounds, we pass that same dysfunctional communication onto our children, who then, guess what, pass it onto theirs. Our parents did the best they could with what they knew. So did we. But if it's not working, why not let the buck stop with you? Here's how to stop destructive fighting:

1. Become a giving personality
• "Can I get you a glass of soda while I'm up?"
• "Can I help you wash the car?"
• "Let's go out to dinner tonight so you don't have to cook."

2. Lead the way in finding $ solutions.
• Pay the bills together.
• Together make and stick to a monthly budget.
• Decide jointly how to spend extra money that month.

3. Say something loving every day.
• "Thank you for helping me with the kids."
• "Thank you for working hard every day."
• "You get more handsome/beautiful every day."

4. Have fun at home.
• Home should be the place you come to unwind, not fight.
• Home is where you get to try out your latest joke to a loving audience.
• Housework can wait. First welcome home each member of the family at the end of the day.

5. Don't fight in front of the kids.
• It damages their personalities.
• They become afraid you do not love them and will next turn your anger toward them.
• They will continue this dysfunction with their own children.

6. Calm down. It's bad for your health
• It raises your blood pressure.
• It prevents you from being heard & understood.
• Winning is not the final victory in your relationship or marriage.

7. Take turns being heard.
• Learn to really hear what your lover is saying.
• Stop formulating your response. Just sit and listen.
• After your partner is finished speaking, repeat back in your own words what you think you just heard.

8. Let go of blame and instead aim for solutions.
• Blame is never going to resolve the problem. It's emotionally abusive.
• If you're not aiming for a solution, you'll never move past the problem.
• Agree on a solution, forgive and start the new moment free of anger.

9. No fair yelling or interrupting.
• Even if that's what you grew up with, stop it. It's rude.
• Yelling and interrupting is verbally abusive.
• Yelling and interrupting closes down the line of communication and the ability to find a solution.

10. Don't bring your relationship problems to work.
• One, it will jeopardize your job.
• Two, talking over your personal problems with someone of the opposite sex is emotionally abusive to your partner and opens the door for a sympathetic affair.
• Three, it's healthier to talk things over within the relationship, with your best friend or with a trusted advisor.

11. Don't have "friends" of the opposite sex that you won't introduce to your mate.
• Oh please, are you really doubting this? Wake up.
• It's far healthier for both of you to choose other happy couples as your friends.
• If you have any doubts about the friendship and feel someone may be overstepping appropriate behavior within the friendship, find better friends.

12. Find something spiritual you can do together.
• Find a God, Higher Power or Spiritual Helper that you can both believe in. Maybe it's walking in nature, maybe it's a church, maybe it's prayer or meditation.
• Relying on your own dysfunction to make good decisions for your relationship is spiritually abusive. Have faith in something besides your dysfunction.
• Pray for each other. Give thanks for each other. Learn the lessons each of you provide one another. Obstacles are not punishment. They are in front of you to learn something that will pull you both out of the dysfunction and into a happy, loving relationship.

It is possible to disagree within your loving relationship or to have different opinions, but your goal is to love someone enough to allow them their non harmful beliefs and continue to love them. If it feels harmful to you, then it's time to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk and work out a solution. Everyone, no matter how harmful their history, has the ability to turn that dysfunction around and build the loving, supportive relationship of their dreams.

Friday, September 4, 2009

You are forbidden to talk about your EX

There is always going to be a lot of talks and options, about being friends with “The Ex”. It seems no one likes to hear about an ex. In my option, the simple reason for these restrictions is insecurity and selfishness. No doubt your ex will probably try to get back with you, and if they cross the line, you know exactly what needs to be done. We all have to face this challenge almost every day. I'm sure there is at least one person that has tried to get with you, since you have been in your current relationship. Bottom line is if you are a desirable person, someone is going to try to get in your pants.

Will not talking to you ex make you relationship less stressful? The answer is more than likely yes. But, it’s obvious there is a bigger issue than just your ex. If it’s not your ex, it’s going to be other persons of the opposite sex. I’m just saying… Deep down you know this is the truth. You can’t stop anyone from doing what they want to do, only they can make that decision. You can’t change people, you can only change yourself. Where there is will there is a way. Get it? Or do you need a few more.

The point is, you need to work on the INSECURITY issues, because they will always be tied to TRUST issues. Here are a list of thing not to say about the ex. Even if your other half doesn't care about "The EX." It's still good to avoid these things, even if it's just to be considerate.

Things Not to Say about Your Ex Girlfriend/Wife
1. She was good/bad at sex (don't bring it up period)
2. She is Super hot
3. My parents loved her.
4. She was really smart and ambitious
5. She was a better cook

Things Not to Say about Your Ex Boyfriend/Husband
1. He was good/bad at sex (don’t bring it up period)
2. He brought me here once
3. He was funny
4. My last boyfriend/Husband was a little bigger
5. He had lots of money

Thursday, August 27, 2009

I need romance

Is your idea of romance, just jumping in the sack. Or you do you think, you just don't have a romantic bone in your body. Maybe you have ran out of ideas or need a refesher course. If you feel you need a little kick to jump start your mojo, here are some tips. The list of romantic tips is endless. The internet is lettered with them, but I have done all the research for you and came up with a few, I thought was worth sharing. I know… most of them are corny, but if the works, it’s worth it right? Also, bare in mind there is no subsitutation for creativity.

1. Buy a stylish hand mirror and give it to your partner as a gift. Include a card in the box saying. “In this mirror you will see the image of the most beautiful women in the world.”
2. Call him at work and say: "Hello handsome! Are you free tonight?"
3. Hire a masseuse to give your partner a professional massage at home.
4. Have a pillow fight.
5. Create a music mix of your favorite love songs and get busy
6. Cuddle on the sofa and watch a movie.
7. Walk on the beach in the moonlight.
8. Ask him to pick a number between 1 and 50, then reward him with that number of kisses.
9. Make a habit of taking a stroll after dinner every evening.
10. Make love on top of the washer/dryer (while it's running).
11. Attach a note on the TV remote: "Turn me on istead!"
12. Shower together by candlelight.
13. Get tickets for an event and keep it a secret until the day arrives.
14. Hide a greeting card under your partner's pillow.
15. Slip a little love note into his wallet
16. Give a foot massage
17. Perform a sensual shower in front of him. Or shower together - it's sexy and you'll save water :-)
This last one, reminds me of the time I did a sexy rub down in the bath for my hubby and I totally slipped under the water… we couldn’t stop laughing. Anyway… carry on.
18. While your lover is in the shower, or bath, put their bath towel in a hot dryer for a few minutes.
19. Mail your partner a Calling card with your name and number on it. Write on it: “Your instant resource of love. Call when lonely.”
20. Serve breakfast in bed

If all else fails, keep in mind- Three simple sex rules:

girls are slow, guys are fast...
guys are visual: Show him...
girls are auditory: Tell her...

Thursday, August 6, 2009

How to Build Trust in you Relationship

Have you heard the old saying? "Without trust, there is no love."

So you have come to the realization that the real reason your relationship is failing, is trust. You can trust him as far as you can throw him. You’ve BOTH talk about it and you’re BOTH ready to take the next step. So what do you do? You wonder, how exactly are we going to build trust, when that was the problem in the first place. I think the very first step should be ACCEPTANCE. I’ve never heard of a couple that is identical. Yes, you can have alot in common, but not identical. Accept you partner's short comings and help them work on what they can change. Being different is vital to the successful of a relationship (Creates balance.) These differences when combined, makes a couple stronger than they would be as individuals.

Here are some more tips by Darlene Zagata.

Be honest. If you're ever going to build trust in a relationship you need to be honest. Not only do you need to be honest with your partner, but you also need to be honest with yourself as well. People often pretend to be happy on the surface when in their heart they know they're not. There may be problems in a relationship that one or both partner refuses to acknowledge. They spend their days in denial without confronting the real issues. Being honest with each other and acknowledging issues that need to be addressed can help healing take place and build a stronger relationship.

Keep your word.If you say you're going to do something then do it otherwise don't make promises you can't keep. This applies to all relationship not just those of a romantic nature. If you repeatedly make promises and then break them people, including your significant other may begin to perceive you as not being trustworthy. Try to keep your word in all things and don't make promises if you don't think you can keep them. Yes, there are times when we all have to break an occasional promise but when this happens consistently it gives others the impression that your word is not worth much. Keeping your word and following through will help others to build trust in you.

Respect others.Respect the wishes of others including your romantic partner. Where trust often needs to be earned respect should come naturally. But if you can't give respect you're unlikely to get it and even less likely to be trusted. Even in the best relationship people need privacy or just some time alone. Respect your partner's needs and don't assume that just because he/she needs some time alone that he/she is doing something wrong. Sometimes people just need a little bit of space and there's nothing wrong with that. Don't make assumptions and don't jump to conclusions. Be understanding and your partner as well as others will respect you for it.

Face your fears.People often react the way they do due to inner fears. Fear is usually the motive behind jealousy in romantic relationships. A person fears losing the one he/she loves and so reacts with jealousy. But trust can overcome jealousy. Face your fears. Talk about them with your partner. Once you've faced your fears it becomes easier to release feelings of anxiety and allow trust to build and grow naturally.

Have confidence in yourself.People who have trust issues often have low self-esteem. Learning to be confident and trust in yourself can be the first step to building trust in your relationship.

Know yourself and your needs.Know what it is that you are looking for in a relationship. People often try to fill gaps in their own lives through a relationship when in truth what they feel is missing can only be found in themselves. Knowing what is most important to you in a relationship before you commit to one can provide you with a strong sense of self-reliance which in turn can help prevent trust issues due to insecurity from developing in the first place.

Give yourself and your relationship time.Trust doesn't always come easily. It often needs to be earned. Give yourself and your relationship time to grow and develop and trust will build and grow stronger as well. Trust doesn't happen overnight but it will happen. Give it time.

Forgive and let go. People often carry baggage from past relationship into the present. If they've been hurt or betrayed in the past they may fear the same thing will happen again. He/she may find it difficult to trust the new partner even though that person has given no reason for him/her not to be trusted. In instances such as this the individual who has been hurt must try to move past the hurt and get on with his/her life. You can't judge everyone by the actions of one person. Forgive, let go and move forward with your life. This is the best way to learn to trust again.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Tips for Building a strong relationship

Graman Bell shares this great ebook for free, and I though it was worth sharing. He talks briefly about the misconceptions of relationships, but goes in detail on these 10 topics. Enjoy the free book and try using the tips to improve your relationship. The topics are listed below, but click on the link for more details and your free ebook.

1. Have a strong commitment to making your relationship work
2. Think of yourselves as friends, not just as a couple
3. Accept each other's limitations
4. See yourselves as equal partners
5. Pay attention to how you communicate
6. Develop a support system
7. Handle disagreements constructively
8. Make sure each of you has some privacy and independence
9. Share rituals and traditions
10. Have fun

Monday, July 20, 2009

Two halves of a whole

Am I the only one that thinks someone played a huge trick on us? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but men and women need each other more than we think or realize. Let me explain. Even though this can be argued for days. When it comes to matter of the heart, I think women are more emotional and men are more logical (there are exceptions). I will use myself as an example. I’m no different than any other woman. In fact those who know me can attest, I can be too emotional at times. The important thing is not to let your emotions get the best of you. My husband has taught me to be more logical, just as I have taught him to understand some of the things women are emotional about and the best way to handle these situations. The littlest things can upset the monster and learning to control it can be very difficult at times. It’s for this reason, men often think women are crazy.

The important thing as always, is communicating, it's just logical. When you're done bitching about all the emotions, you still have to make a logical decision. To be honest, I think women could avoid alot of cheater and liars, if we were more logical. You know, that gut feeling that we have and sometimes ignore because of our feelings(emotions). Yes that's your logical side trying to tell you something, and you should listen to it more.
Men think women are crazy, because it’s difficult to understand a problem they didn’t know exist. Most men, and even some women don't know the real reason women can be OVERLY emotional. Only you know what the real issue is and it’s up to you to communicate it to your partner, if you want to be understood. As much as you would like it to be that way. I don’t think there is anyone that can attually read minds, or are you hiding how you really feel because you are afraid to show weakness? If that’s the case, you have more problems than you think. This means trust is the real issue and there is no way to help each other if you can’t trust each other.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

10 topics couples fight about

Being prepared for the pitfalls in a relationship can help you work through them.

1. Timing togetherness: when and how often to see each other
2. Your level of commitment
3. Flirting with other people
4. Being late
5. Forgetting important dates (birthdays, anniversaries
6. Being faithful
7. Who spends how much money and on what
8. How you spend time (watching too much TV, going out with friends)
9. The amount or type of sex you have
10. Family (when and whom to visit, their disapproval, stepchildren

According to datingweb, here are ten topics couples fight about the most. If you’re fighting about these things, you probably need to consider working on your communication skills. Most of these are ground work topics that should be discussed in the dating period.

A common mistake that too many people make is jumping into relationships without doing the ground work. It is critical to the success of your relationship that you find out where the other person stands on most of these things before getting serious. If you thought you had this topic wrapped, but it seems things have changed. It’s time to have a chat with your boobie. Just like you would in The two head monster situation, try not to argue or accuse. Have a calm conversation about these changes and the things that you BOTH can do to improve on them. Yes, I did say BOTH, remember that a relationship takes two and by including yourself, you are showing support and that you aren’t just pointing the finger.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Relapse is possible

Emotional Relapse via NRGS is:
Emotional relapse is when the emotional content of the problems exceed, or take over, the intellectual content. It is when the irrational dominates the rational. It is when your emotional self is believed to be more important and realistic than your intellectual self. As if‘your intellectual self has no bearing on what is the right thing to do. Greater the emotional content of your problem(s), the greater the risk of relapse. Some of the problematic emotions for recovery are: self pity, anger, and resentment. If not checked and dealt with, these emotions can lead a person to relapse.

For the past couple of weeks or so I have been dealing with some self-esteem issues. My previously flawless skin has turned against me! Well at lest that’s how I feel, and what do you know… it’s affecting my relationship with my husband and my son. I feel like everyone is staring at these “flaws” and I’m unattractive. My husband tries to reassure me that I still look great, but I get mad at him for trying to fix a problem I think he knows nothing about. Sometimes it's too much and my family needs a shield from my emotional explosion. When I can’t shake these issues, I am open with my husband about how I feel and if needs be, I might have to tell him to grab the baby and take cover.

As women we are naturally emotional. There is nothing we can do about it, but we can definitely keep it in check. Every now and then I have to remind myself that the world does not revolve around me and I just need to go with the flow. Lucky for me, I have a child that helps remind me of that. Women with self-esteem issues are drive by their emotions. I know from experience that it can get ugly really quickly, if we wallow in self pity. It’s not wrong to feel the way that you do. After all, it’s your feelings and you are entitled to them. If we really think about the things that we as women stress about, most of the time it’s not even worth it.

So remember to stay grounded, because reality is, the world doesn’t revolve around us. It goes on with or without us. Be happy with yourself, change the things that you have control of and learn to accept what you can’t. Don't be afraid to communicate with your spouse about the way you feel. Once you have learned to love yourself , you will be happier and you are more contented, but just like with an addiction, relapse is very possible.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Goodbye Michael Jackson

Hi guys... although my blog is about sharing relationship tips. I would also like to share the part of me that is deeply saddened by the pasting of Michael Jackson. I have never and will never condone, if factual the actions he was accused of. I will however miss the greatest entertainer ever in my opinion. He was also one of, if not the greatest humanitarian this world has ever known. It is really sad that the very thing that made him the great person that he was also destroyed him.
At the end of the day, my thoughts are that he wasn't strong enough to bare the great gift that was given to him. He lacked the support system that was needed to help him deal with this gift. I believe his parent could have saved this truly gifted person, if they had been there for him more emotionally. I hope that this well help at lest one person see that life isn't all about you. Show the people you love that you do love them. Show them that you care about them and the choices they make and you will care about them in the choices you make. This world would be a much better place if there were more humanitarians like Mick.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Are you really ready...

We all want a successful relationship, but sometimes we have to sit back and really think about whether we are ready for it. If you aren't ready to give it your all, you're wasting both yours and the person you get involved with time. Relationship Consultant Toni Coleman addresses some things that might be preventing you from having a successful relationship.

So, you want to fall in love? You are certainly old enough and moving well along your chosen career path. Many of your friends are either married or in committed relationships. You have grown weary of the singles scene
and the solitary life. Therefore, you must be ready, right?
Not necessarily.
So what is relationship readiness anyway? Exactly what it says. You are adequately capable of handling the commitment and challenges that a healthy, intimate relationship requires.
How do you know if you are ready? What are the characteristics you need to have or acquire in order to be ready for true love?
There are four primary areas that you should explore in order to assess your present state of readiness.
1. Take an inventory of past traumas and related major issues.
You should mentally review these and honestly look at how well you have already addressed and resolved them.
As you work through each, ask yourself, "Is this impacting me negatively in my present life." Also explore with yourself the possibility that the issue could become problematic once you have entered into an intimate relationship.
If you believe that there are things you have not yet adequately dealt with, you need to go to work on these. If you are unsure, then they bear closer examination. Consider utilizing resources such as therapy or joining a support group.
An example of such issues can include, but not be limited to; emotional, physical or sexual abuse in childhood, parents' divorce, loss of a parent or other loved one, or a past abusive or dysfunctional love relationship.

2. How's your self-awareness and self-esteem?
If you do not possess adequate self knowledge and a positive sense of self; an intimate relationship will be difficult or impossible to sustain.
For instance, do you know yourself well enough to answer the following?

Can you state your most deeply held values?
Do you know what you can't live with or without in a relationship?
Do you have a good grasp of your life goals?
Do you know your own strengths and weaknesses?

Now, do a quick assessment of your self-esteem.
How do you see yourself?
How do others see you?

Remember you present different selves:
at work
with family
with friends
in gatherings with acquaintances

If your answers tell you that you have difficulty accepting and liking yourself, or if others frequently respond negatively to you in your interactions with them, then this is an area you should begin work on. Self-love is at the foundation of all healthy relationships.

3. Are your past relationships really in the past?
If we don't get adequate closure on painful experiences/issues from past relationships, we are at risk of bringing them into present and future relationships in order to relive and resolve them.
Therefore, it's important to know that you have dealt adequately with any significant hurt or loss and have learned from any dysfunctional dynamics you may have contributed to.
If you find yourself slipping into unhealthy patterns in your thoughts or Behaviors as they relate to others; stop, identify, and then deal with that leftover issue.

4. Do you know what you want from a relationship?
We enter into relationships for many different reasons and with many different expectations. Knowing what yours are will help you to determine if this is the right relationship for you.
Too often we "choose" someone using an unconscious level of thought as our primary input. It is there that we hold our deepest unmet needs, fears and desires. Unfortunately, there is often a chasm between our conscious and unconscious selves that keeps this information "hidden" from our rational and thinking side.
Therefore, it is very important to examine all of your feeling and needs regarding any future relationship. Honestly look at what you must have and cannot live without.
You must know what you want and need from a future partner in order to choose the right one for you.
Now, spend some time exploring these four important areas before you enter into a serious romantic relationship. By doing so, you will be helping to ensure that your new relationship will be a healthy and lasting one.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Keep it spicy...

Again... I'm sharing tips from Will and Jada. I like this couples attitude and agree with a lot of what they have to share. Whether swinging or not, that doesn't mean they can't give good advice that couples in successful relationships already now works. So I say keep it spicy ladies, and men too. Don't forget that we ladies also like it exciting.

In a recent interview with Redbook, Jada reveals tips for keeping the relationship hot:

Nice outfits and high heels! And talking. And making time. You’ve got to
make time. Our men want to feel important. We want to feel important. So it’s
about establishing an environment in which that can happen. It can be hard
because we get caught in the grind of life.
Establish relationships with family members or friends and take turns with
each other’s kids so you can make that time for yourselves. It doesn’t take a
lot of money - wallets are tight right now - so just simple stuff. A night walk?
Man, do I love those. Or pack a lunch and go to the park, like Will and I did.
Even a drive - and then pull over on the side of the road!
Think of places outside that are comfortable to have sex. Does he have
access to his office? Have a fantasy date. Be his secretary! Be sneaky. Your
girlfriend’s house at a party. The bathroom! A guest bedroom! Just switch it up.
Anything like that can keep it going. Anything it takes to keep the flame

Friday, June 12, 2009

Five tips to keep his attention

So you don't think he pays you enough attention. Here are five tips to help keep or regain that attention.

Some of us are great at the chase, but not so good at the kill. In other words, we know how to get the guy, but when it comes to keeping him, it’s a different story. Once you’ve impressed your guy and wooed him, and you both finally come down from cloud nine, what’s next? How do you keep a man interested and show him that you’re worth keeping around, especially once he realizes that you’re not perfect like he thought (none of us are)? Being yourself is always a good place to start, but there are other things that you can do to keep a man by your side, help him to really appreciate you, and take that step to commit. Here are five ways to get on your guy’s good side.

1. Learn to speak his love language.
First and foremost, find out what his love language is. You can make him dinner every night, but if his love language is “words of affirmation,” you’ll be spinning your wheels. Once you’ve determined his love language, you can tailor your affections to his needs, and you’ll even reap the benefits. When your man feels loved, he’ll be more likely to shower you with the affection you deserve.

2. Give him space.
You can help to keep a man interested by simply giving him space. He needs alone time, or at least time to pursue hobbies and interests that you might not share. Pick a time each week when you each do something on your own or with your friends. It’s always important to maintain your own friendships even when you’re in a relationship. In the novelty of a new relationship, many people are tempted to spend all of their time with their new date, while letting other relationships slip. Remember, there may come a day when you need the support of your friends, so make sure you stay in their good graces! The next time he tells you he made plans with his friends, smile and tell him to have fun. Then, schedule a date at the spa with a few of your friends.

3. Don’t be his mother (but get along with her).
The last thing your guy needs is a second mother.
Now, we all know that the men in our life need some help and guidance at times (okay, all of the time), but there are ways to do this without taking him back to his high school days when his mom constantly nagged him. Try asking him to do something just once, and if that doesn’t work, ask him gently a second time, but give him the benefit of the doubt. Don’t show him that you are bothered, or he’ll resent being asked to do it. He’ll be much more likely to accommodate you if you stay positive and make him feel like he wants to do it to help you.

4. Learn to like (or at least tolerate) the things he likes.
People are different, and that’s what makes us so unique. It’s also what enables us to have meaningful and special relationships with others. It’s important to realize from the onset that your guy won’t be exactly like you, and believe me you wouldn’t want that! Can you imagine if he went to get a pedicure every two weeks or spent an hour styling his hair every morning? That being said, we’d all love it if they would just let us be when we do take longer to get ready or when we spend money to keep ourselves looking good for them. Just the same, we should be willing to let them watch football and baseball, or even spend the weekend hunting with family or friends. With time, you might even start to enjoy watching football!
Bottom line: if you want him to humor you when you go shopping or sun yourself by the pool, you need to be willing to spend a few hours doing what he loves to do. All good relationships involve give-and-take, so try giving more, and then you won’t feel bad taking a little, too!

5. Don’t push the “M” word.
We all know that the “M” word is enough to scare any guy away, especially if he’s not ready for it. If you’ve been dating for two years and the subject has never come up, then you might want to gently broach the subject. On the other hand, if you’ve only been dating for six months, you may need to be more patient. Forcing a serious issue like marriage may do more harm than good. Concentrate on making him happy and he’ll eventually come around. And if you do finally venture into the dark waters, be prepared to gently back out if you sense he feels overwhelmed. Give your relationship a chance to run its course naturally. At the same time, don’t keep a man around longer than you should. If you give him adequate time to commit and he still doesn’t seem interested, it may be time to give him the boot.The most important thing to remember in a relationship is that your work doesn’t stop once he’s yours. In fact, even the best marriages are based on hard work, and if you want to keep a man, there’s no better time to start than now. Put these five principles into practice and he’ll be yours for good! How Well Do You Understand Men?They say men and women are from different planets. You have probably had a relationship or two where it was more like different galaxies and are well aware that understanding men is a little more complicated than being able to guess what he wants for dinner. While you will probably never be able to totally read a man's mind, just how well do you understand men?

Saturday, June 6, 2009

The two headed monster

The other day two very different friends of mine ask my opinion on a similar situation they were having in their relationships. The problem was, their other half started a silly fight and as far as they are concerned, about things that isn’t even worth quarrelling about. The BIGGER problem is when I asked did you try not arguing since you said you weren’t wrong. “No, I’m tried of backing down. I’m always the one doing it. I’m not wrong, he started it first.” So I’m going to tell you what I told them.

What do two heads create? Two heads create a monster. Now whether you think that’s biblical or logical it still creates a two headed monster. There can never be two heads in a relationship, and that is the problem. It has been said that men are the head and women are the neck that turns the head. A lot of strong women don’t know how to submit. I don’t like that word either, but it’s not as it seems. Submitting doesn’t mean doing everything that a man tells you to do, but letting him be a man. You are wondering where all the real men are? Well let me tell you. Women are becoming more aggressive towards men and this is causing men to back down and be more submissive. If you think this is a good thing, think again. Men will back down because they don’t like arguing, but what happens to an animal when it feels it's backed in a corner?

The next time your hubby starts a silly argument, DO NOT participate. If he is wrong he will come to you to makeup. When he does, let him talk, listen to everything he has to say before saying anything. When he is done, you need to tell him in the calmest way how you feel. Tell him that you don’t what to keep doing this. Make a list if needs be in preparation for the talk. However, your biggest test will come the next time he starts a silly argument. Once you have decided that you are no longer going to participate in these little insignificant arguments. You have to remind him (I don’t mean all the time, only when needed) that you mean business and stick to it. The bottom line is a person , whether man, woman or child will only do what you allow them to get away with.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Quality not Quantity

It’s important for couples to find time for each other. I know with the
hustle and bustle of our everyday life, this is near impossible. Couples raising
a family have the most difficulty finding time for each other. However, you
would be surprise at how a little can go a long way. Sometimes you have to think
outside the box. If money is short or you can’t find a babysitter, try cooking a
meal together. You can send the kids off to bed early and share a movie… Even if
the kids are watching the movie with you, you can cuddle together. Most times the
kids will be too busy watching the movie to pay attention to you cuddling.

In order for any relationship to work and be fulfilling all
aspects or things must be balanced. When you spend time with the one you love
you have a chance to fulfill all of your relationships many needs. For families,
your children will benefit from the time you spend with your spouse!
Mommy and Daddy don't talk to each other or do anything together kids notice.
When there is a silence, a thick stressful atmosphere or a "coldness" in the air
the children can feel it. Silence is an opposite of communication. When couples
don't spend time together there is no chance for communication to occur. A
stressful atmosphere is caused by unsaid words, unshared thoughts, angers,
regrets, unfulfilled needs, wants, and desires...etc. Children feel but don't
understand. The see but don't grasp. The whole family suffers when there is a
stressful, silent, cold atmosphere in the home.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Back up dude!

So the other day my husband and I got into it a little. Here's what happen... this is my first blog. Yes I'm a rookie at blogging for now. My husband is in the IT field...anyone picked up on where this is going... I do value his opinion, so I ask him and a few other friends to check out my updates. I ask my husband mainly to get a man's point of view. So when he got to see it, I was excited to hear what he had to say. So there I go...
Did you read it... well? His reply was "no comment".

Without even thinking my walls went up. He picked up on it and tried to fix it by explaining what he really thought of the blog. But it was too late, everything he said sound like a criticism. We mutually decided to end the conversation until we thought it thru. Later that night we spoke about it and I was able to admit that I became defensive the moment he said the words "no comment". He explained that he used the wrong choice of words. He really just needed more time to think about what his reply was going to be, because he didn't want to say the wrong thing and offend me.

So I'm telling you this little story because many of the things I mentioned in my other posting were at work here. Even though he ended up doing what he hoped to avoid, we were able to fix the problem thru communication and mutual agreement. I also mentioned in another posting that most times men are not malicious unless provoked and most of them are not very good at communicating. So, do you think maybe it time you start talking?

Monday, May 11, 2009

Quotes from Will Smith and Jada Pinkett about Love and Marriage

Whether you approve of Will and Jada’s approach on marriage, you can’t deny that they are making it happen with or without our approval. Here are some quotes from them on love and their marriage.

Will ON THE KEY TO DOMESTIC BLISS: "Really, really good sex. I'm really good at it. (Also) we talk a lot. Sometimes people hear us talking and think we over-talk situations but communication is everything."
JADA: "I will throw my career away before I let it break up our marriage. I made it clear to Will. I'd throw it away completely."
Source: USA Weekend
Will ABOUT JADA: "With Jada I stood up in front of God and my family and said, 'till death us do part'. Divorce cannot be an option ... I honestly believe there is no woman for me but Jada. No-one can handle me the way she does ... Once you feel someone locked in on you, it's no contest. This is it. I can't imagine what anyone else would offer."
Source: East London Advertiser
WILL: "Families are like a business. The key is one person having a vision of what it needs to be and being able to pull everyone together. That's Jada for sure."
Source: USA Weekend
Will ABOUT JADA: "She's someone I can talk to about anything."
Source: Ebony, February 1997, page 57.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Is it always about you??

Subject: Do I follow my fear or my heart?

Dear Steve,
I met a gentleman about 3 months ago, and we have been enjoying a platonic friendship. Lately, it's become apparent that we are feeling each other on a deeper level and have a strong physical attraction to each other. The other day, during a discussion about herbal supplements vs. prescription drugs, he revealed that he has no choice but to take prescription drugs because he is H.I.V. positive. My heart felt crushed. Do I put the brakes on this growing relationship and try to remain platonic friends or do I follow my heart and take all of the necessary precautions if we become intimate? By the way, I have herpes but failed to tell him about that, because Valtrex has ended my outbreaks.
Thank you, Ms. Coward

My reaction to this letter was just "wow". Here you're in the same boat as he is, but you're really only thinking about yourself. HIV is nothing to sneeze at, but neither is herpes. Let me guess... The PREFECT man would be just that right, perfect even though you're not. His honesty says that he wants you to be aware of his situation and that in itself says that he respects you. You had a great opportunity to be unselfish and you dropped the ball.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Business or pleasure

Relationships take hard work. You probably heard this before, but it is true, anything worth having takes hard work and dedication. In order for your relationship to be successful both persons has to be on the same page. You can’t be hearing wedding bells and he’s thinking that you’re “just kicking it”. I come back to this and probably will a lot, communication, communication and communication. Think of your relationship as a business, you and your partner should have regular meetings to discuss the direction of your” business”. Discusses should include goals setting, plans to accomplish these goals and it’s always a good idea to evaluate, evaluate, evaluate. Have you heard of a successful business without structure? I’m sure there’s none.

Speaking from experience, communication has helped me and my husband a lot. Have you ever been upset with your spouse about something and you swear that they know exactly what is wrong with you, but they are just ignoring you? Ladies, you know what I’m taking about, that I’m mad that you can’t read my mind attitude. Okay, maybe that’s not what you want to say, but that’s what your other half is thinking. For the most part, none of us are mind reads and we shouldn’t assume that our partners are. If you what your partner to know what you are feeling. Tell them, and then you will see their true reaction.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Too many butterflies?

So, there are many services out there offering to help find you the perfect match, but how do you know what the perfect match is without outside help? There is so much to take into consideration now a days when it comes to choosing a mate. What I have notice is that a lot of women think it's all about the butterflies, not realizing that this is just the honeymoon stage and it will past. While the honeymoon stage is important to most, be careful not to loose yourself. When we’re “madly in love” we have a tendency to forget about “me” always remember that your well being should be most important to you, especially on the early stage. I think it is important to evaluate your relationship every now and then. Do a check list if needs be and ask yourself a few questions to keep you grounded. Here are some examples:

How do I feel about this person?
How do I think the person feel about me?
Do I need to know what this person is doing all the time?
Do I spend too much time with this person? (To the point were everything you do have to involve this person.)

The purpose for evaluating your relationship is not to put up a guard, but to make sure you have some control. Another important key is communication. If you are not sure about what stage your relationship is at, ask him and follow your instinct. If you don't think he's being truthful, you are probably right. Most times men are not malicious unless provoked and most of them are not very good at communicating either, but if this is established early in your relationship it should become easier with time.
Remember there is no text book way to deal with relationships, but following your instinct over your feels will prevent a lot of heartache in the long run. If you and your mate establish good communication it won’t be difficult to tell when you’re being lied to.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

I'm a good catch because...

I've heard over and over again from men and women that good partners are hard to find. I had a conversation with some male friends the other day and they told me that alot of women are materialist and all about what a man can do for them. They said that the independent ones are some for the worse of all and it made me think of a posting I saw at

One of the biggest complaints I’ve heard from my male friends in the past
have been “Women are single because they are too picky” or “they’re
standards are too high”. My Question has always been: Why would a well
educated woman with her own home, own car and booming career have to settle for
a bagger at the local market or better yet, a street pharmacist?
Shaina shares my sentiments as she hit me up the other day to question why
successful men can have the pick of the litter while women have to constantly
settle for less just to say “I have somebody”. I agreed 100%. Check out
her email below:

Reader Shaina shares my sentiments as she hit me up the other day to
question why successful men can have the pick of the litter while women have to
constantly settle for less just to say “I have somebody”. I agreed 100%.
Check out her email below:

"I wanted to forward you this email that my friend wrote in lieu of all
this wifing up strippers nonsense. We’ve been getting into a lot of
conversations lately and it was brought up that one of my male friends who has 3
degrees (bachelor’s, master’s, and phd) refuses to date any women with less than
2 degrees but if us as women tried to be selective like that we would end up
with no one. But then I got to thinking, why do we as successful Black women
have to settle? Why can’t we be selective (i.e.- only dating men who have
degrees etc.) too? Why should I have to settle for the 28 yr old working at
Juicy Couture and who “makes beats”?? I have have a degree from Penn State and
on the road to success, but yet if I choose to be selective, there’s no one
available. Anyway, here’s a letter from my friend:

Hey Shai,
So I was on the train this morning and this ghetto fab little Puerto Rican girl got on with this hood, Jeffrey-looking boy and they were having a conversation about the new tattoo the boy wanted to get and he was saying he wanted a cross with a “riddle.” And she was like, wtf Michael what kind of riddle do you want and he was like “ionno, just something about life” and it was so ignorant and I started thinking that despite all the hating, this girl has herself a dude, and while we have all the drive and potential and motivation in the world we don’t.
I also was thinking about your friend with the 3 degrees. He has every right and reason to be picky. Why? Because, AS A MAN, a successful one at that, he has females from every walk of life, from hood misses and trailer park chicks to middle class girls and college educated ladies and girls who come from money who don’t even have to work, ALL pining after him. As a man, he has a huge pool of ladies to choose from, so for him to have such a high criteria, even if he whittles his selection pool down on the basis of that criteria, he will still have a reasonable size pool left to select from…
That brings me to us. There are barely ANY dudes that make the BAREST OF MINIMUM requirements (i.e. well spoken, intelligent[if not educated] GAINFULLY employed [not at the Juicy Couture Store] decent looking, ambitious, and in general ABOUT SOMETHING), so if we were to start putting caps on sh*t (like “he must have at least 2 degrees”), we might find ourselves with a selection pool with no one swimming in it. Which brings me back to the girl and the boy on the train and the never-ending paradox that is life as a single, successful, black woman: is it better to settle for less or just be alone?

I think the problem is a bit of miscommunication. What the men are talking about is the big list of requirements that you have. Do you stop for a minute to think about what you are bring to the table and what he is looking for.
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